Captain Beefheart's 10 Commandments of Guitar Playing

1. Listen to the birds

That's where all the music comes from. Birds know everything about how it should sound and where that sound should come from. And watch hummingbirds. They fly really fast, but a lot of times they aren't going anywhere.

2. Your guitar is not really a guitar

Your guitar is a divining rod. Use it to find spirits in the other world and bring them over. A guitar is also a fishing rod. If you're good, you'll land a big one.

3. Practice in front of a bush

Wait until the moon is out, then go outside, eat a multi-grained bread and play your guitar to a bush. If the bush doesn't shake, eat another piece of bread.

4. Walk with the devil

Old Delta blues players referred to guitar amplifiers as the "devil box." And they were right. You have to be an equal opportunity employer in terms of who you're brining over from the other side. Electricity attracts devils and demons. Other instruments attract other spirits. An acoustic guitar attracts Casper. A mandolin attracts Wendy. But an electric guitar attracts Beelzebub.

5. If you're guilty of thinking, you're out

If your brain is part of the process, you're missing it. You should play like a drowning man, struggling to reach shore. If you can trap that feeling, then you have something that is fur bearing.

6. Never point your guitar at anyone

Your instrument has more clout than lightning. Just hit a big chord then run outside to hear it. But make sure you are not standing in an open field.

7. Always carry a church key

That's your key-man clause. Like One String Sam. He's one. He was a Detroit street musician who played in the fifties on a homemade instrument. His song "I Need a Hundred Dollars" is warm pie. Another key to the church is Hubert Sumlin, Howlin' Wolf's guitar player. He just stands there like the Statue of Liberty — making you want to look up her dress the whole time to see how he's doing it.

8. Don't wipe the sweat off your instrument

You need that stink on there. Then you have to get that stink onto your music.

9. Keep your guitar in a dark place

When you're not playing your guitar, cover it and keep it in a dark place. If you don't play your guitar for more than a day, be sure you put a saucer of water in with it.

10. You gotta have a hood for your engine

Keep that hat on. A hat is a pressure cooker. If you have a roof on your house, the hot air can't escape. Even a lima bean has to have a piece of wet paper around it to make it grow.

Creative Commons 1970

Don Van Vliet

Don Van Vliet died on Friday last.

The art of the disposessed?

Don Van Vliet, known under his musical pseudonym as "Captain Beefheart", has been a hero of mine, (along with Frank Zappa - a close friend and collabarator), since the tender age of 14 years. Just as Punk was emerging, with the Damned, the Sex Pistols, the Buzzcocks, the Clash, Siousie and the Banshees etc, my school colleagues were into Emerson, Lake and Palmer, Genesis, Yes, Jethro Tull etc etc. In 1976-77 only a very few of us turned on to punk. But even then I couldn't turn them on to Captain Beefheart and Frank Zappa.

The few obituaries I have seen (Rolling Stone, Guardian) emphasise his music and not his visual art.

His drawings and paintings, many done after his "retirement" from music, are as significant as the music. And the words to the music are poetry.

I was fortunate to see him perform at Wakefield Town Hall (of all places!) on his last UK tour in the early '80s (around the time of the "Doc at the Radar Station" album). I am fortunate to have three original paintings.

I am listening to Trout Mask Replica now. My children, my neighbours' children dance to Bat Chain Puller ... and I look at the paintings on my wall.

What should I quote?

The poet Ian McKellen recently chose "Moonlight in Vermont" on the BBC's eternal Desert Island Disks.

Obviously I cannot choose an instrumental ... I could give you Ant Man Bee, Ella Guru, Bat Chain Puller but I'll give you two less famous ditties ...

PARACHOKE STARE

I walk, I talk
but nobody cares

I walk, I talk
but nobody hears

I walk, I talk
but nobody's there

And if they are
they give me
the parachoke stare

I walk
I don't know where

Everywhere I go I get
the parachoke stare


APES MA

Apes Ma, Apes Ma

Your cage's too dirty Apes Ma

Remember when you were young Apes Ma
You used to break out of your cage
You know you're not strong enough to do that anymore

And Apes Ma
The little girl that named you years ago has died now
And you're older Apes Ma

Remember when your name was in the paper Apes Ma

Apes Ma, Apes Ma
You're eating too much
You're going to the bathroom too much, Apes Ma

And Apes Ma
Your cage isn't getting any bigger, Apes Ma